Racing Thoughts

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I can’t keep up with them, the conversations, the what would I do different, trying to process them so I can move on. I can get by, but I can never forget because it’s apart of me, Moon and Star they may not be here with me but thy’re still here. I want to have high hopes for myself, i’m not a mother anymore so, I have to figure out my purpose of being, I’ve been trying to find that out since I was seven maybe a little earlier than that. I often times can recall memories of scared times when I was a toddler, these memories shaped who I turn into, reasons why I’m so frightful of people. I had this flashback I was in a foster placement and I was molested by a female teenager who wanted to rubbed up and down on me in a bathroom on the floor, she called me filthy and forever I will be. i never mention this to no one I’m surprising myself i’m writing it for the world to read. It’s a good thing letting it go, can’t be held hostage by the things that has happen to me, it’s not doing me any justice keeping it in. I wonder til this day am I gay, I love Dick, but is i’m partly gay, that interaction I had with that girl seemed right, but I was so young and I remember my uncle used to do those same things to me. Couldn’t escape neither I was promised candy, the swings, cartoons, and money if I told no one, I did tell someone, it fell on deaf ears. As I got older I understood what happen was wrong and it shouldn’t never happen, but I’m damaged now. I eventually turned into use what you got to get what you want person, there was always someone wanting what you had and you get what you wanted in return. My life was shaped at a young age, abandon, neglected thrown to the wolves of the system. I’ve learned to become emotionless through the years, it was safer protecting my feelings, but they still get hurt. The pain lesson now I found a big compartment to store it in. I take what the day gives me because I deserve it good or bad, it’s my Karma. These flashbacks are driving me insane, I want out of them, but i lived them already, nothing going to take them away, I just have to find away to live with them or accept them. The losses I endured are my own making and I accept that, that;s why i’m alone. I could never feel how love truly feels only obsession of abandonment. Pleading for the wrong one to stay, hurting yourself so they can stay. I tell myself that I will get better, I don’t believe it, I say when I do get better that is when my end finally happens. I’m trying to love myself, it’s not happening, but when I wake I just give myself a kudos, I made it another day, I didn’t try to make an attempt on my life or thought about it. I await the next chapter or episode of mu life to play out even though the days pass and I haven’t achieved anything, just trapped in my mind, trying to escape, trying to find an outlet. I love writing what I’m thinking I can see what I truly think on paper out loud. I wonder if they are  people out there like me. Being broken is a hard thing to deal with, putting yourself back together is the hardest, you have to unlearn all the hurt that made you feel unloved learning to trust after being demolished with lies. My Thoughts are Racing and they want shut off these are my ramblings of a Racing Mind.

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