I’m Angry At MySelf

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There is so many things I could be doing, but I just sit and stare and think. I have this home that hasn’t been cleaned in awhile due to my Mental Illness. Everything Moon and Star left their stuff exactly the way they left it, untouched unmoved. I’m angry I’m waiting time trying to figure out why won’t move on. Like a caged up animal surrounding by my desire to need my children here. I can’t do the basics. I let the dishes pile even though i’m just one person. I sleep on my couch which is now my bedroom, while my bedroom is looking like a goodwill bin. Star’s room the feeling I get going into there, but all the same his room has been left just the way it was an unmade bed shelves, and pop-tart wrappers Moon’s books and dolls. The bathroom, I do try my best keeping up with it so it doesn’t turn into an outhouse. I only let a select few in my home, because they understand what Mental Illness looks like, they do however encourage me, to start packing away Moon and Star’s things away and donate them. I try to gather things together to donate, but they sit there, I don’t want them to leave. I want to ask them if it’s OK, I know it’s OK because they have their new things where there at. I hear the birds talking with one another, they have a lot to say, at least their with their families. I’m so angry with myself I want to rip out my heart wish I can rip out these feelings, those are slowly killing me. I don’t eat healthy I am malnourished, I live on Pepsi and a occasional Uber eats meal, and Cereal. Yesterday I had halfway tacos, I had enough of the ingredients.  I was going to go to bed early I took my sleeping medication and my night medication together around 7 p.m. I ran out the house because a family member was kind enough to loan me some money. However when I got back in I laid down and went to sleep, which is why I’m up super early. I’m angry at myself, because I forgot to figure inn the Internet bill, so my internet is about to get  disconnected. What is happening to me I just don’t understand be normal dammit. I  wonder would me doing another round of ECT  would help, but I don;t want to erase things I wish to remember. I’m angry because forbidden gets an attitude about me asking was he busy, when I asked him for a favor, this for sure I know something is up with him, and it has gotten me thinking of going back into protective mode, when the gavel hits, I want fall that far. I know now to keep my conversations limited and to not care about what he’s saying regarding anything, someone else is taking all the normal exchanges we use to indulge in. It shouldn’t matter to me right, but it does that’s one more thing I put on myself my fault somehow of acting this way, maybe I was being to dependent, but I don’t see how that’s the case, when I barley reach out to ask for anything, I wait until he wants to be bothered with me. It bothers me, but I’m going to just take it in stride, people always come background sniffing for something. I write to get these things out of my head and down on paper, to see how my mind work, and also work through what is ailing me. I’m Angry With Myself that my mind has a hold of me and is the driving force of who I am as a person, Mental.

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Disfigured

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I’m disgusted about myself this past few weeks. Haven’t yet found my identity to this existence of mine, and i’m sure not here just wasting space. I read things and it just amazes me the things we take for granted living here in the US. I read a drug trafficker can get the death penalty. How many people you think they put down for peddling narcotics, their giving them death for all the families that are suffering with drugs that left a family member or loved one dead. I often time want to go in the meetings and just share me being a Mental Illness disease trying to get on track would this program work for me. Giving way to your higher power, would mean giving up this medication wouldn’t it. It’s a drug all the same that I need to sustain, no I don’t have to do degrading things for them, but all the same is legal drugs altering our minds. My niece had her baby Tuesday, I couldn’t stay long because the buses was about to shut down and I would’ve been stuck. she had her at 12:55 a.m. beautiful little girl who will grow up knowing a long list of history our family went through. I felt some type of way being there I know I was there trying to support her, her husband was there. We talked in between contractions, I tried to make her laugh, don’t know if it was a genuine laugh. I’m proud of myself jumping up when she text she was in labor, I made it to the hospital in an hour. I couldn’t move that fast to get my medication, but I promised her I was going to be there, I just didn’t see it through til the end like I wanted which in my Mental Mind I’m A Failure. Her husband was there, so she wasn’t alone. Now is when am I going to see the baby, she stay so far, and the buses to where she is located is in panic mode distance. I always need a escape route, safety reasons.  I just how to figure out how to be OK, this is the worst part of the Illness I can’t trust going places out of my norm, afraid something terrible is going to happen. I guess I will have to see. I have no cash to my name and have to suffer through, I don’t want to ask for money, I hate begging people, I don’t like myself like that. I always have to remember that, there are far more people in this world who can’t step out their doors without being bomb or shot at, it makes my simple problems I deem big nothing. So I will struggle through, I miss Moon and Star, I wonder what their doing and are they laughing together. How smart Moon probably has gotten. How Star is doing with his studies and his sports. I just wish they was with me, the pain is unbearable. I don’t want to go in that room and cry, scream or throw anything, I just want to sit here and allow myself to hurt. I sit around there pictures all day and I really can’t just look at them, I looked through the pictures, because I don’t want to focus on what is not here which is them. I refuse to take their pictures down they will stay as long as I’m here waiting for them to return. Are they going to return? Will I ever get past this? Will I eventually don’t care where death takes me I just don’t want to feel pain and I just decide to let go? My life is all upside down, I will say the pain is the worst, letting it all out will destroy me I can feel it. I just don’t want to be Disfigured

When I Don’t Want To Think

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My forbidden has told me more through his interactions with me that their is something going wrong. I can pin point  a lot of things when in regards to me. Those things I want to change about myself, but it’s who I am now. Him knowing  and small in a way not so funny comments about my Mental State. I just want to hear it out his mouth and not me dredging up thoughts and putting together false pieces. So I know longer have the Ps4 I let it go, and I feel sad about it. What would it have done for me sitting there, but still a piece of me is gone.I remember working so hard to buy that for him he was asking for it and was doing a marvelous job in school, daycare, and with his sister. He eventually liked Xbox One better only played with the Ps4 three times. I think now he might come out of nowhere and ask where it is. I miss them so much, and I’m not coping right, I can’t find the compartments to store these feelings in, they keep just falling back out, can’t arrange them properly, I like doing this writing what i’m feeling getting it down on paper or in this case the world. Long ago their was diaries and your secrets are held in them, now there is Social Media where everything is told. I just wanted to know is their anyone who is like me out there going through this on a daily trying to get well and you keep failing and your losses keeps piling up. What do I have of myself, nothing and i’m sure i’m not going to obtain it before I die. I have been sitting on goals for years the same since I was able to fully understand what goals where, I achieved some, but there are others that has sat there lonely waiting for me to achieved them, remove the barriers, so I can at least get close. Make this year make sense to me, let me accomplish something great, let this pain lesson over time. Let me embrace what I have right now, a niece who’s having a baby and me being a great Aunt because I didn’t have a chance of being just a regular Aunt. Let me stop hiding in the shadows and come out in the sunlight. Will my life ever make sense? Fighting myself daily is getting exhausting I tell myself over and over negative things and what i’m not worthy of because i’m a disgrace. It’s Mentally draining, beating me down with an iron crowbar, I can only get up so far before i’m brutally hit again by another insult, failure, and let down. I don’t want these years I have left to just be a waste, other’s who are doing worst off than me will greatly step in my shoes. I battle daily, taking my medication, therapy, which I went and did receive another appointment i’m still not sure if I want to continue. I’m just getting older and I’ve came to terms of what has happen to me through my life and dealing with this Illness of my Mental. I want properly hold down a job, because I will always feel i’m doing the job wrong and their looking to get rid of me. I’ve been there I held a job for a long while, I can do it again, but my Mental is fighting overtime to let me rot alone without anyone or anything.  Who will have the last laugh? Ever have someone turn there back on you, but you know you’re going to see them again, but it hurts all the same, like that’s the last time you ever going to see them? My Mental Illness is winning today, This Is When I Don’t Want To Think.

What Now

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Yesterday I went to my therapy, it was me who suggested I stop going and it’s him convincing me that I’m not to old to keep coming to hash out how I feel, which is suicidal daily, but let it sit in silence and I shall never act on them. I believe I got set up by my support worker she was happen to be in my home calling her cellphone was my therapist asking has she seen me, because I’ve never phoned him for a new appointment. So I agreed to make the appointment to see him and I saw him yesterday, it took all the strength in me to get ready and head there was scared about going out and mostly of all, thinking he;s going to put me in the hospital. Don’t anyone understand that I just want Moon and Star back , I want to be better, figure out how to be better. My therapist can’t do that for me, he can only communicate that he feels empathy towards the situation or me, but still, it;s not helping. I have mountains of build up pressure, figuring it is difficult because it’s not coming fast enough. I took an assessment the suicidal test, are you thinking of hurting yourself. What are the ways you think of do it. To tell the truth I often think of ways, but it always ends with someone taking my life. I feel no anger about my situation, i’m always trying to figure out what could have been done different before I was conceived the day that mother and father shouldn’t have came to past. I’m here now and now i’m an adult trapped in the mind of a frightened kid, fighting to try to let her heal and let her go so I can be free. I took on the pain of my brother he’s younger than me and when I went away I didn’t think his life would change, but it did, and according to him wasn’t good either. I needed to go I wasn’t wanted she didn’t want me , but she always it seemed she loved him more. We talked about it me and my brother it was long over due our view points on our lives are different, it plays out different then what I remember. I never new how much I let him down, but he couldn’t see at his view point how much she hated me. Now he’s scattered and bruised emotionally, it’s hard for him to trust. Do he want me to say I’m sorry? My sister she had children five of them a boy and the rest girls they where put up for adoption and their life hasn’t been roses, I understand their plight I was once there. Well we got back in touch with each other and she’s expecting a baby, happy for her, but i’m hesitant on letting her into my life, she’s family I need family, it’s just hard to get near people, maybe she feels the same and I shall point that out to her, I can’t be much help because it’s hard helping myself at this time. I’m just going to be upfront, that sometimes I disappear not because of anything that they do, it’s something I do when I need to retreat. I have a chance to tell her to fight like hell to raise her children great, don’t let what happen to them define them, because it will keep you stagnated. they just can’t say that to my sister because she passed away, and that’s the tough part they remind me of her, and it’s scaring me, but I want them in my life, because their family. I will keep it respectable and clear so she doesn’t take it the wrong way. I also went to the dentist about this tooth pain well they had to yank it and I’m here looking like a lopsided anything swollen to the max, and they gave me eight pain pills that every six hours I’m not supposed to hurt, Bull Shit this shit is on fire, and those pills are not working. That was my eventful day yesterday, I did as much as I do in a week. So What Now for today, I sit and stare and Say What Now.

Racing Thoughts

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I can’t keep up with them, the conversations, the what would I do different, trying to process them so I can move on. I can get by, but I can never forget because it’s apart of me, Moon and Star they may not be here with me but thy’re still here. I want to have high hopes for myself, i’m not a mother anymore so, I have to figure out my purpose of being, I’ve been trying to find that out since I was seven maybe a little earlier than that. I often times can recall memories of scared times when I was a toddler, these memories shaped who I turn into, reasons why I’m so frightful of people. I had this flashback I was in a foster placement and I was molested by a female teenager who wanted to rubbed up and down on me in a bathroom on the floor, she called me filthy and forever I will be. i never mention this to no one I’m surprising myself i’m writing it for the world to read. It’s a good thing letting it go, can’t be held hostage by the things that has happen to me, it’s not doing me any justice keeping it in. I wonder til this day am I gay, I love Dick, but is i’m partly gay, that interaction I had with that girl seemed right, but I was so young and I remember my uncle used to do those same things to me. Couldn’t escape neither I was promised candy, the swings, cartoons, and money if I told no one, I did tell someone, it fell on deaf ears. As I got older I understood what happen was wrong and it shouldn’t never happen, but I’m damaged now. I eventually turned into use what you got to get what you want person, there was always someone wanting what you had and you get what you wanted in return. My life was shaped at a young age, abandon, neglected thrown to the wolves of the system. I’ve learned to become emotionless through the years, it was safer protecting my feelings, but they still get hurt. The pain lesson now I found a big compartment to store it in. I take what the day gives me because I deserve it good or bad, it’s my Karma. These flashbacks are driving me insane, I want out of them, but i lived them already, nothing going to take them away, I just have to find away to live with them or accept them. The losses I endured are my own making and I accept that, that;s why i’m alone. I could never feel how love truly feels only obsession of abandonment. Pleading for the wrong one to stay, hurting yourself so they can stay. I tell myself that I will get better, I don’t believe it, I say when I do get better that is when my end finally happens. I’m trying to love myself, it’s not happening, but when I wake I just give myself a kudos, I made it another day, I didn’t try to make an attempt on my life or thought about it. I await the next chapter or episode of mu life to play out even though the days pass and I haven’t achieved anything, just trapped in my mind, trying to escape, trying to find an outlet. I love writing what I’m thinking I can see what I truly think on paper out loud. I wonder if they are  people out there like me. Being broken is a hard thing to deal with, putting yourself back together is the hardest, you have to unlearn all the hurt that made you feel unloved learning to trust after being demolished with lies. My Thoughts are Racing and they want shut off these are my ramblings of a Racing Mind.

I’m Unfamiliar To Me

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My sleep pattern is not doing so great, I’ve been waking earlier and still be exhausted Mentally. I believe it’s the medication trying to build back up in my system. I had this dream that I was in the familiar place, but stuck in the hospital, talking with doctors, laying in my bed in the hospital room, white walls with smears of  dried whatever. I couldn’t leave I just stared out the window at this Popeye’s chicken. I know that I don’t want chicken or to be back in the hospital, so why did this dream just show up to taunt me. a chunk of tooth fell out my mouth, and now my tooth doesn’t hurt as much. I really need to call my dentist, because that’s not healthy. These medication is destroying my bones, i’m deteriorating. Star has a Ps4 he’s not here anymore so it just sit, i’m thinking about selling it, but when I get close to doing it I can’t. I still have Moon stroller all two of them the first one was when she came home in, and never put back in it, and it just sit now. I’ve been trying to give it away, came close but couldn’t let it go. I need to get out of this house and accomplish something, no I need to stay in this house and accomplish something. It gets frustrating but I have to pull it together, things got this way because I decided to fall apart and lose everything most of all Moon and Star. I have all this love and I give it to the wrong people, I fight for the wrong people, but I don’t fight for myself. I like fighting for people when a wrong is done I want that person to know I was in their corner right next to them. maybe that’s just me wanting to be wanted, needed, seen perhaps. I was down to my last forty-five dollars, someone needed forty we settled on twenty-five. Now I’m a smoker and I smoke a half to a whole pack a day depending on what life throws at me for the day. but what I’m saying is I didn’t have it to give but I would like to think I helped a situation that needed it. I have to wait now to see if the return will be looked at as it was received. All I know is that I did a good deed even if I might get stiffed for it. I believe in Karma it shows up slowly overtime, so I can say maybe this was my Karma. I’m tired but i’m not sleepy, I don’t won’t to watch hullo. I did hook up the Ps4 I could play Modern Warfare, at least try to.I was just thinking about when Star had his Guinea Pig, and how we chased it around his room to get him back into his cage Moon was laughing her tail off, I was scared and frustrated and Star kept setting the traps which they didn’t work, that Guinea pig was fast. Sharky was his name. Would that be one of the memories they hold in a compartment to laugh about when their down and missing me. There are plenty other good memories I just don’t want them to remember the bad. The day my Moon saw me cutting myself, I always think about that she speaks on it and she remembers why I did it. I hope their Identity is not at all affected by this change in their life. I’m to blame for all of it. They will hate me for sure and I will welcome it because I couldn’t bare living in silence. I rather take anything over silence. Mothers day was hard but I fought through it. I’m their mother through birth until they was taking, I enjoy those memories. I guess them having a new mother to say happy mothers day is good as well as long as their happy saying it and it’s not by force. I wonder how big Moon has gotten how well her proper language is, new big words. I wonder how Star is being a preteen his emotions might be every where and I hope he’s able to talk about them, rather than lash out. I tried my best to instill coping skills within them. I just hope they know I love them and I think about them daily, their still everywhere around me. Everything will be the same when they decide to return. This week I’m Unfamiliar to Me, I have to find out who I truly am.

Scattered

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I awoke at 3:30 this morning, had to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. I spent two hours on my phone going through apps that I visit every two seconds and read comments that are unbelievable to read. I imagine me being one of the stories, but I know I wouldn’t be strong enough to withstand the judgement people spew out their mouth. I can’t bare myself. I wake thinking of new ways to have a good day with myself, to no avail I will probably end this night the same as others just no motivation. My tooth has been killing me and I’ve been popping excedrin like it’s no one business can’t stand the dentist, so I will take this pain as much as I can. I went outside yesterday I had to beg a friend to take me to the store and apologized for begging so much, his name is Batman and he’s always seems to be there when I really really need him, when I send the Signal. He says i’m like his family, but I have reservations on that, so I always pay my debts so I’m never owing anyone. I got a visit from a friend that I would consider him my best friend he knows soul deep when I’m having a Mental Break, the phone always seems to ring when I’m about to be transported on a 302 to the hospital. I find it strange kindred spirits. I called him my forbidden, he’s not forbidden anymore, but I grew up always knowing people are going to always want something from you, with him I don’t know what that is, he doesn’t ask me for anything, but i’m still skeptical. Moon and Star loved him, I love him. I can’t be in a relationship with him because I have this Mental Illness which is impossible for me to ever be comfortable in. Requires trust, which is non existence because I can’t trust anyone. Not fair to him, plus it’s a Mental Fuck just being in a relationship with myself, I fight with myself daily. I would like to do a show that follows me around and deal with my Mental Illness, It would  consist of me sitting in my home and watching American Dad, Family Guy. Me interacting with myself, a phone that never rings, and only three people who enters my home. Therapy I have to make a new appointment, I really don’t want to go back, I’ve been counseling since the onset of this disease which started when I was seven. On and Off I had over twenty therapists some left others I left them wasn’t a good fit for me. I found a great one but, he retired on me last year after eight years and a case manager who saw me through dark days of seven years all just vanished left. I was no longer their client, therapist retired and case manager was married and had to move because her husband still needed to attend more schooling. I don’t like change, I don’t like starting over. I know things have to change, but to me it seems like death, when it does, a grieving process you can say, kinda like Moon and Star not being here. I want to breakdown today, go in Star room and scream, smell his clothes, boy do I miss them. My world is isolated and no one is allowed to close to me, I no longer allow my feelings to crossover to actually think anyone cares about me, their all out to get me, even if it’s not true, no there’s always someone who wants to do you harm. I’m feeling these withdrawal symptoms, because I haven’t been taking my medication, but it comes today though. I’ve been writing this all day, my medication got delivered and I took them and fell back to sleep because I was up early. I went through different emotions too. It was a strange day indeed. I also went and sat outside for a good half hour with my phone to get air it’s dark so no one can see me, but my neighbors outside lights. The air was welcoming, but I was still fearful being out there. Who is lurking in those shadows, I got my anxiety medication, I believed it helped a lot, huh, maybe that is why today was strange. I might just go back out there before I head to sleep, night medication is prepared, I will glare up into the sky. This is my Mind and it’s Scattered.

Medication Problems

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So I haven’t taken my prescribed medication correctly in a week, I’ve been scared to go outside to get them refilled, but they will be here tomorrow because they deliver. Their not making any difference to my mood or thinking, my thoughts are still racing i’m still thinking of death, I still feel hopeless, unloved, not wanted by myself. I would like to be honest here and let you  know I’m scared of dying event though I want death and it’s certain you will get there, it’s just when.I think a lot about what Moon and Star would feel if I wasn’t around. Do you get to know these things when you die? I do feel my end is near, I just don’t know what method I will leave by, my chest feels I will meet my end tragic like murdered and dumped or even buried and want be found for years. my mind leads me to think if I knew for certain where I would end up after this life, it would be simpler. The unknown scares me, people scares me, I scare me. There is so many things I would like to do but to unsure of myself to them to frightened of the unknown. I watch a lot of family guy and american dad certain episodes I imagine myself apart of the plot, like diving off of Niagara Falls surrounded by the people I love, but not thinking how selfish it would be to them, but them not showing any feelings towards me committing suicide at a place we have never been before. I write whats going on in my brain, why  it’s so hard to be around other people because they don’t feel the emotions I feel, even though they might have been through the same situation I been through, they just have never felt the same emotions. My feelings are intense, they overwhelm me, they smother me my chest tighten up, my lungs feels like there going to collapse. I miss Moon and Star, I have a shrine of them around me that was once considered family pictures. I imagine they’re running around with big smiles on their faces enjoying their life, but are they thinking about me, have they found a way to deal with me not being there for them, or do they think i’m dead. I reread what I right and it amazes me what I think and my thought process, I noticed I’m not that smart at English, grammar, spelling and comprehension. This is who I am this is what my brain was able to pickup doing my years of growing and i’m still stuck at a second grade level on most things and it’s disgusting, how was I suppose to teach Moon and Star when I don’t no much myself. I’m a big advocate of education the more you know has always been a great motto to me. I know I was eager to learn and I seldom had the privileged of meeting someone who new what I was eager to learn, but nonetheless I learned what they taught me to the best of my ability. I learn from novels, magazines, TV shows on how parenting is supposed to be, people I would run into on the streets and maybe have a discussion on how to handle certain situations when it came to parenting, my parent was the system filled with hundreds of children like me abandon, neglected, abused, and alone. When I left the system I was still all those things just older and needed to find my way. Mental Illness and me went through life fighting and today I still fight and it’s  in the lead, I say I go to sleep and wake up another day is a win for me and a fuck you to My Mental Illness. Moon and Star are going to have that chance to thrive , to learn, the stability, family, I wanted all those things and more for them. I hope if i’m still around when they become of age to find me that their not too angry with me. I will sit here in this house where they’re home with me is and wait until they return, unless the pain takes me first. My medication gets delivered tomorrow so I can get back on track, I see my Med Doc next month so I will honestly let him know I want a new medication three months and no different of feelings, I’m back at having Medication Problems Again.

Fix Me

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Fix this notion I have about myself, it’s not stable, i’m not stable. My mind is running full speed and it won’t shut down,even when I sleep, I’m stuck i’m alone and scared. I’m trying to find the ending of what is me, death is a certain thing living until you reach it is uncertain. I write what is popping up in my head, right now I’m worried about Moon and Star I haven’t spoke with them or saw them since February, and I wonder are they thinking of me. What is they life going to like for them if I’m not in the picture. Would Moon and Star grow to think of me as unfit because of my mental illness, would they understand? I wonder and worry about if they will grow older and develop my mental illness. I’ve been secluded within myself since I was a toddler I remember things clearly as if I’m still living in those memories a prisoner, a child that never grew up. How can I work through these issues and continue to  fight today’s issues when they all came from this little broken girl who never grew up, having adult feelings dealing with adult issues, with a kid reasoning. I finally got some sleep last night, didn’t dream which is great, I always seem to dream the same things. I’m scared to leave the house to simply just go to the store, so I have to beg my neighbors to go for me even pay them when I can. I don’t want to deal with the world, it’s scary, people to me it seems they just want to hurt me. I skipped out on therapy the week before i can’t tell you why, I’m not use to him yet, he’ OK and seems to pay attention to what i’m saying but  no connection. I can’t afford not to continue with therapy that’s only person I have to talk this out with. I’m glad I’m able to write again, now I can share with people around the world. I haven’t been taking care of myself that well neglecting things about myself. I lost my two front tooth, and I’m looking even more disgusted. I’m getting older and it’s getting scarier, i’m trying to think of my direction to finish off this life of mine. I don’t have a legacy to leave I have nothing to leave but a remembrance of a broken mind. memories in stilled in Moon and Star hopefully there are good ones and not sad ones. I really tried my best to be a good mom. Moon would never understand how much my life was affected, but I always want her to know that it wasn’t her fault, don’t want her to blame herself for my mind being damaged. To let Star no I had to make that sacrifice for him, and he will forever be a light that shines even in the darkness of days I surround myself with everyday. I so so miss them, I deserve this pain because their going through so much. I have to carry this blistery sore of what is my life. I sit day end and day out in my head rearranging what I could of did different, but you can’t get that time back, you have to keep moving forward. I’m sitting in the past while the days keep moving forward, waiting on a telephone call a picture something. it’s hard to open the door to Star room it hurts to go in there everything is the same way it was left, every toy, paper, pop tart wrapper article of clothing in the exact same place for over a year. When I want to breakdown I go in there, I bury my head in a piece of clothing and I yell and scream in them, the smell the reminder of me being their mother. Do they still remember me being their mother, do they know how much I love them, that I had to make sure I did what was in the best interest for them. That i’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to fight this Mental Illness and I let it win. Will I ever have a time to explain to them that I wanted whats best for their life, living with me being caged up in the house because I was so fearful of anyone hurting them trying to keep bad things from ever happening to them, was in fact hurting them. Not having family around for support it would of just been us. If something happen to me what would have happen to them, they would have been left with no one but the system. Moon and Star have each other and i’m grateful for that a stable home with a mom and a dad with all the fresh air they could ever have, a huge family to celebrate the holidays with. I welcome this pain of them not being here because I would like to think their in good hands where they are. i’m trying to hang on so I don’t find myself hanging from a ceiling. Fix my brain make it better so I can be whole, just Fix Me.

I’M Alone Now

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hello i’m back the mentally sick,  I couldn’t keep it together for Moon or Star their gone. They didn’t believe I couldn’t never get over what happen to me five years ago, it keeps sending me back to the hospital every year. I came close with leaving this earth coming into to this year and in February. I just wanted to leave the hurt and failure I feel on earth, I know longer wanted to feel. I took my mental health medication by the fistful, hoping to never wake up, but there was always someone rooting for me. I know it will be selfish to just leave this world and Moon and Star would wonder why I didn’t fight to live, didn’t fight for them. I have so much hurt bottled up and I don’t want to cry. I awake and sleep surrounding by memories, flashbacks don’t make it any better. Toys are still well placed where they where before they departed, my support system I relied on for my sanity dismantled leaving me with no one, to start over new with a therapist and case manager who I have to relieve my hurt with so I can be back on the road to stability again, but I can’t be I lost half of me and a part of me is dead. I spend my days having flashbacks going back to places in time I was OK and not afraid sure of myself and when everything fell apart. I realized that I loved plenty of people through my years on this earth but those plenty never loved me. I fought so hard for certain people to be apart of my life that I was willing to die for them, just so they can be with me. I no longer see a person when I look in the mirror, I don’t know what I see kind of like a shadow, I hate myself more each day and try to think of new ways to mentally fuck myself. I tell myself this is Karma happening to me, I  look back and I think of the times I wasn’t the best person to people, it’s catching up to me. I deserve what comes I welcome it, I like when it stings it has to sting, it perhaps let me know I’m still feeling something.  I missed writing I couldn’t remember my password, decided to try all the ones I used and swiftly it came to me, something wanted me to write. I barley talk with anyone on a consistent basis, nothing for me to share. I don’t know who I am anymore and to tell you the truth I don’t think I ever knew who I was to begin with. I knew I was a broken child who grew into a broken adult and will likely die a broken person. Where do I go from here I have lost all hope for the rest of my future, no guide, just going to wait until Moon and Star return to me. I want to scream everyday, but i settle for talking to myself, questioning my thoughts, my heart, my feelings. I want to cry, fight, yell, punch and kick. I want to fight myself for being so weak and not mentally strong to fight my illness, what will Moon and Star think of me when they older. I’m just staying out the worlds way. Hello I’m Alone Now and I’m Scared.